The conversation with my neighbor started nicely enough, but I said four little words—”tell me about it”—that made everything go sideways.
My comment made her feel as if I was comparing our situations and she took offense at that. I, in turn, felt an upsurge of anger at her offense—I wasn’t comparing our situations as much as wanting some acknowledgement that she was talking to the wrong person about her concern.
I’ll return to my wanting acknowledgement in a moment. The point now is that…
My neighbor and I were both feeling unseen. The tension between us was growing and I thought it best to end the conversation before making matters worse.
After we parted ways, I was thinking, “Seriously?! How can she not see where I’m coming from?!” And I kept looking for all the ways that I was justified in feeling what I was feeling.
A minute or two into my mental rant at the gall of her, I saw the light, took a deep breath and asked whether I was really gonna let the situation break my streak.
Days before the impasse went down, I got a sudden rush of ideas to level up my work as a village catalyst, or my efforts to foster caring communities and caring economies for and by neighbors.
Per normal when I get a flood of ideas, I hadn’t been sleeping well. And though I was feeling inspired, I was also feeling tired on top of feeling exhausted as a long-time caregiver.
I wouldn’t cut off my nose to spite my face and spoke out loud to return to sanity:
“I’m willing to see this differently,” I said.
We have a right mind and a wrong mind.
A wrong mind robs our inner peace and a right one restores it.
I could feel justified in my anger all I pleased, but it wasn’t worth the cost of impeding my progress in creating the future I wanted.
Last year, I was doing an assignment for a class on Asset-Based Community Development, or ABCD. My task was to have conversations with neighbors to start learning about their gifts, skills and passions.
As I described this to my then 94-year-old mom, she asked if I could have a learning conversation with her. In a flash, I saw that…
My mother—and each of my family members—is also my neighbor, which, in addition to a person who lives nearby, means a person who shows kindliness or helpfulness toward others.
You might suspect where this is going but I’ll spell it out if not:
The neighbor I felt unseen by was my sister, but by affirming that I was willing to see things between us differently, I did.
In my softened state, I understood what my sister was saying.
I still thought that she could have acknowledged the nine years that I’ve been a 24/7 caregiver for our parents, and now mom, and should be talking to our other sisters, not me, about what she needed from the family.
But tempers had already flared, and she made her case again by text the next day.
I responded:
“I understood what you were saying after we hung up,” and explained that my fuse was short because I was tired and all my comment meant was that after so many years, I wanted to go home and be with Jeff (my partner). She couldn’t begrudge me that, and the matter dropped.
When I’m in the rightest of my minds, I don’t go seeking acknowledgement to feel better because I understand that my feelings are my own responsibility.
That doesn’t mean that the way I feel is immune to other people or that I don’t express how I’m feeling in response to something someone said or did, it means that the choice is always mine to run a new narrative in my head until I find one that returns me to center.
So, one of the ideas I got about my work was a new tagline:
WHEN NEIGHBORS CONNECT & CREATE, WE ALL THRIVE.
It communicates the message I want to send equally well to the diversity of people I hope to attract and work with. I marveled at how one little phrase did so much to help me to regain my footing, focus and excitement.
I couldn’t wait to move back to Atlanta, rest up and then roll up my sleeves.
When the hiccup with my sister happened, my impulse was to think, “I don’t have time for this. I have work to do.” But if my work about connecting and creating with neighbors, connecting with my sister and creating harmony IS my work.
I would presume to say that it’s yours too, whether you create with kin by blood or choice.
So many people are searching for purpose and a way to be seen, and in the West we tend to try and satisfy that craving by chasing career success/making lots of money. I’m not pointing fingers because I’ve been there too. But enduring hardships and searching for relief have made me wiser.
The hardships of my caregiving years, and many before, helped me to understand that the purpose of life is to enjoy it. Or perhaps I should say it’s to learn to dissolve the barriers that stop us from enjoying it and creating true prosperity, or aliveness.
A prosperous world begins with us prospering in the places where we live. I’d been thinking about those places on the order of neighborhoods, but my sister helped to remind me that a prosperous world begins at home and ripples out from there.
If you’re now thinking about your residence, consider that your first home is your body.
I created the opposite of prosperity with my sister because I was tired and dehydrated.
So rest up, drink up (water!) and the next time you feel unseen, affirm that you’re willing to see things differently and return to your right mind by considering that you’re not seeing the gift that is your neighbor, whether one or more under your roof or right next door.
Like an “old person” with gifts, skills and passions to contribute but who we never ask.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!! 🎉
I’ll “see” you in 2026 👋🏾
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